Day 144 (24.05.10) – On Your 13th Birthday

Dear Bea

Months before I gave birth to you on this day, your Mama (my Mother) and other mums I’ve met along the way told me to expect the worst pain imaginable when I give birth to you. They also told me though that the day I give birth to you is a day I will never regret.

I can still remember that VERY early morning in May when I brought you to this world and I thought I will never forget the pain. I didn’t.

For the next 5 years every time a friend mentioned that she was pregnant, all I could think about was the pain she had to endure at child birth.

It took me 5 years for the pain of childbirth to recede into the fold of my memories. Yes, it was that long. However, it only took me not even a second to look at your sleeping face to fall in love with you. Yes, I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.

That was 13 years ago my sweet pea. And now, each time I watch you sleep, I still fall in love with you over and over again. I marvel at the fate that brought you to me. The fate that brought us to Dad.

The past year has brought changes in your life.

Big changes.

You moved from primary school to the first year of secondary school. We knew it was scary at first, moving to a new school where none of your old friends were there.

The decision to send you to private school was not a light one that Dad and I made. We visited the schools that we thought could provide you the best well-rounded education on offer.

In the end, we felt that the school you’re going to now was the best for you and your needs, the best in the opportunities it could provide you.

Thank you for not taking this opportunity for granted. We appreciate the hard work you put into your school work and for not abusing the shopping privileges you have at the school shop.

Now, you’re almost half-way through the school year and your concerns about not having any friends have all but disappeared. I love listening to your stories each night – what you and your friends did, the new people you met at school, what you’re learning, your excitement over new discoveries, who your funniest teachers are, your 1-minute dance every Friday and Dr M’s killer moves. Oh and yeah, I still laugh each time I remember you falling UP the stairs. I found it hard to believe at first but Dad assured me it is possible to fall UP the stairs.

I love that while you’re discovering the fun of make up and nail polish, our little girl is still very much alive – your clumsiness, your infectious laughter and delight at Dad’s awful jokes, your love of making fun of yourself.

The past year was also the advent of expressions such as “OMG.” “Epic Fail.” “Shame.” “Are you serious?” “Seriously?” “Sad much” and many others. Oh and yes, you’re still allowed to call me “Mother” when you feel like it.

I’m not sure why every little thing we do and say are now “embarrassing”. Was I like that as well when I was your age? Was I embarrassed when Mama kissed me and hugged me as I was dropped off at a friend’s birthday party? And that you can hardly say “I love you” to us in front of your friends. Is showing affection to your ‘olds’ not cool?

No point in asking Dad what he was like when he was your age as that would be like in the ancient times and I’d be surprised if he remembered anything that happened so long ago! LOL

Dad mentioned to me last night “Our baby is now 13.” And you are. You are 13.

No longer a child. No longer a tween.

But a TEENager.

Has it really been that long? Are you really 13? Are you really in high school? Am I really a mother of a 13 year old?

It felt like yesterday when I nursed you for the first time and all I could think about was the kind of future that awaited you.

I worried what kind of person you’ll turn into. As you well know, Mum worries about EVERYTHING when it comes to you.

I worry that you’ll be influenced by this and that BUT as we mentioned to you the other day, because we love you so much and want to prepare you for the real world, this year is the year we will let go a bit more and trust you more to make your own decisions on things that we believe you can handle. As a wise friend advised me:

Give her a sense of empowerment over her own life…show her she has control over her own actions and reactions…that she can live her life or have others live it and set its direction for her. Like you mentioned, you hope you’ve taught her enough to make the right decisions…you can’t shield her from all the hurt (as much as us mommies want to!), or she’ll never learn some lessons and to appreciate the abundance of good she has in her life, but you do want to keep an eye out and an ear open.

Give her a reason to turn to you for trusted advice. Listen with an open ear and heart…resist the urge to immediately react with admonition or she may turn away from you and to others. Pick your battles very carefully.

Try and see where she is coming from and tell her your own horror stories…no really, be honest and tell her if the topic or an opportunity comes up (Simon, too…so she can get a guy’s perspective)…that way you can demystify the actions that can seem so exciting at a young age and show her the very real consequences of those actions. And then ask her what she’d do if she was placed in the same circumstance. Give her a reason to soul search and really think about she’d do and give her the opportunity to give you her own honest feedback.

I know that no matter how much Mum wants to shield you from all the hurt in this world, she can’t.

You have to make some decisions for yourself in the hope that you know what’s good and bad and that you can learn from your mistakes. We hope that you will remember the advise we have given you, the experience that we have shared with you and the values we would like you to imbibe.

You know that Mum and Dad will always be here for you when you need us and we would still give you our unsolicited advice but we promise that on things that we know you can handle, we will trust you to make the decision for yourself.

As we have done in the past, we will ALWAYS give you our honest feedback even if it’s feedback that you don’t want to hear. As I told you, no one will tell you the truth but your parents and those who truly love you.

I know that part of parenting is letting you go……letting you go slowly until one day, when you are ready to fly out of our nest, you can stand on your own two feet.

Letting you go won’t be easy. Especially for Mum. And long after we have “let you go”, me worrying about you will never stop. So, no point in telling me “not to worry, Mum” because I will. It’s something you just have to live with

I love you with all my heart, Bea Bubbles,

Mummy xoxo

Tagged as: birthday letter to daughter, parenting letting go