Day 184 (03.07.10) – Part 5: My Medical Horror Story in NZ – How low can you get?

On 10 July, it would be 4 months since that fateful day in March where an Ashburton surgeon bungled up what should have been routine surgery.

While my energies were focused on healing and getting better physically, I failed to take into account the toll of all that has happened to me on my mental health.

It was only in the last month that I realised that I was feeling REALLY LOW.

I realised how badly damaged my body was. How weak I still was. How easily tired I could still get. How hard it was to focus on anything.

All I wanted to do was get better. Fast.

It was only in the last month that I realised as my body continued to heal, to improve…my emotional health was left unchecked and slipping down a slippery slope of despondency.

No, not depression. I know enough of the symptoms of depression and other mental illness as a trained Psychology undergraduate.

I was just feeling generally low.

Low enough that I did, for a time, withdraw from any “pro-active” socialising. Save for my sister and her family, I didn’t see anyone at all unless friends popped in for a visit or they invited me to catch up with them.

I stopped reading novels (my fave past-time ever!) and retail therapy lost its appeal (yes, now you know something was really wrong!)

Even work (that I love and am so passionate about) lost its appeal for a while. I was doing everything on auto-pilot.

I even had a writer’s block and couldn’t get my blogging mojo back.

Yes, I laughed at people’s jokes, I went out with friends and would generally have a good time but they were all superficial, transient. I still didn’t feel good inside. I felt…blah.

I felt empty but yet I was also angry. I got angry and irritated in the littlest things. Poor Simon and Bea. For a while they carried the brunt of my rage.

It didn’t help that at one of the lowest points of my physical recovery, one of our stalkers reared its ugly head and caused havoc in our family. I did have a relapse and took a few days to get back into the business of healing.

All of these were happening and I was feeling a bit lost when fate intervened.

A text message to one of my BFFs here in New Zealand (BFF “J”) with the words “I’m depressed “ saw her dropping in for a visit the very next day. I didn’t realise much I alarmed her when all I meant to say was “I feel low”, not really “depressed depressed”, if you know what I mean.

It took that visit of hers to get me talking about how I was feeling. And I promised J that I will never say “I’m depressed” unless I really am depressed!

Sure, I’ve told Simon all of these but he’s my Husband. He is in my soul. He is in my very being so discussing what I felt with him does not constitute me reaching out to another person. Does that make sense?

And after I told my friend what I was feeling, it’s like a dam has opened and I was able to discuss it with yet another BFF (BFF “D”) and a girl talk (READ: group session) with these 2 BFFs  (“J” and “D”) plus another talk with friend Lisa via Skype helped me unburden what I was feeling.

It wasn’t until the girls trip with Arlynn though in Melbourne last week that I was able to finally fully unburden myself. Those girly chats I had with Arl late into the night (and up to the wee hours of the morning) finally got me all “talked out”.

After that, I was fine. I was able to get out of this funk.

Now, I could truthfully say I am back. My mojo is back. My sunny disposition is back. The future looks so bright and promising again!

I realised this transformation was happening when I tweeted and posted this status:

I wanted to record this moment in time. I wanted to shout out that I was happy and that I’m loving life again.

Actually, after I published this status, I wanted to remove it again. I didn’t want people to think that I am living THE perfect life. Because I am not.

I still have bouts of pains from my surgery. I still cringe each time I see my scar.

I still get irritable. I still worry. But at that point in time, I was feeling VERY HAPPY and I just had to recognise it.

I recognise the abundance of good fortune that I have. I have A LOT to be grateful for.

I have a GREAT family, in-laws on both sides (yes, they’re also family but I had to give them special mention to show how much I love them!) and circle of TRUE friends.

I live a comfortable life. I am in position to help and be an angel to others. Our daughter is doing well in school. I have the most adorable nephews and nieces.

It’s so hard to find LOYAL friends but I have been fortunate to be surrounded with a lot from all around the world that I can call on for company, support, advise, shopping buddies, chats, perspective and a lot more. I know all I had to do was either write an email, pick up the phone, tweet, SMS, shout out on Facebook, Skype and someone would respond. Sometimes, I don’t even have to say anything. Friends just pop in for a visit or ring just because they wanted my company. How special can one person feel?

The business I am involved in opened its doors in New Zealand at the worst possible time in history and yet is still here, surviving and thriving.

Despite the hectic work schedule, I am able to spend time with my family and friends. My social life is the busiest it’s ever been! I love it!

So yes, this post started with a question of “how low can you get?” and I’m glad I didn’t have to hit rock bottom to recognise HOW MUCH I truly have.

I have what matters in life.

Love. Family. Trust. Support. Loyal Friends. Comfort.

I pray to the powers that be, may long this continue. After the hell I’ve been through, I hope the Big Guy up there and the universe know, I deserve it.

What more can I ask for?

Handbags. Shoes. Clothes. Travel Fund.

Sorry. Just joking!

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NOT.

Tagged as: Family, feeling low, friendship, Love, medical horror new zealand